Being Content

"Nostalgia [nuh-stal-jee-uh]:  A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time."

It is hard to live in the present.  It seems easier to reflect on past conversations and cherished memories, or to plan for the future and to always be thinking about what is to be done *next*--what one would rather be doing, or even just dreaming about what is to come.  It is difficult to live in the present and to be happy and content with where you are at and what you are doing.

I oftentimes look back on the past and think to myself "I was happy then," or I look forward to something in the future and think to myself "I will be happy then."  Happiness seems so elusive at those moments.  Reflections on the past--whether fond memories or oppressive--are good and serve the heart in determining action in the present moment, or in charting a course of action for a future time.  In contemplating the future, the heart is also warmed by hope and spurred on to action when it aspires and looks forward to some good.  When I forget to live in the present, because I am so caught up in looking back or forward, I actively miss out on real life.

I have decided that living in the present is really the only thing to do.  Living in the now allows for the vision to see that happiness is a choice of the present moment.  Truly, the present is what you really have to work with, and it is a choice that the melancholy heart has to recognize as such and make.  

I have a hard time living here, right now, and being happy with what *is*.  I miss the afternoons that I spent laying out in the pasture with the horses on one of those Indian summer afternoons in early September.  I wish I could go back and spend a Saturday morning at college, curled up in sweatpants with a cup of coffee and visiting with my roommates.  I feel deeply attached to my dreams of the way I expected married life to be.  I look forward to being pregnant, to moving back home, to being surrounded by family and familiar places, etc.  And in all this reflecting, musing and day-dreaming, I fail to see the good of where I am at, who I am with, what I am doing--and that *I am*.  There is so much for me to be happy about right now.  We live in a beautiful, sun-shiny warm place.  I can get a tan every weekend laying out by the pool.  We go for walks along the ocean.  I have time to read lots of good books (Anna Karenina [Tolstoy], Tess of the D'Urbervilles [Hardy], The Coming of Bill [Wodehouse], The Wild Orchid [Undset]).  We watch the yachts and sail boats going in and out at the dock.  I have an herb garden!  My husband plays Monopoly with me.  My family is all on the same phone plan, and we talk every day.  


It takes a conscious effort to live here in the now, and that is something I have to work on--finding myself in the present and choosing to be (letting myself be) happy.

Being With

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

-- Winnie-the-Pooh, A. A. Milne


Oftentimes, I don't have much to say. 

I would just like to be with you.

Growing Up

Sometimes I think life is too much for the melancholy.  Or maybe growing up just presents too many transitions and changes--so much to overwhelm.  And all of a sudden, if anything is to be done, you have to do it.  If you want a house, you need to make money ... and it seems like so many things come down to needing money.

“Poverty at once lays bare material life and renders it hideous; and hence come indescribable soarings toward the ideal life ... The poor young man has to work for his bread, and when he has eaten, he has only reverie left him.  He goes to the free spectacle which God gives; he looks at the sky, space, the stars, the flowers, the children, the humanity in which he is suffering, and the creation in which he radiates.  He looks so much at humanity that he sees the soul, and so much at creation that he sees God.  He dreams, and feels himself great; he dreams again, and feels himself tender.  From the egotism of the man who suffers, he passes to the compassion of the man who contemplates, and an admirable feeling is aroused in him,—forgetfulness of self, and pity for all … And then, each morning he goes to earn his livelihood, and while his hands earn bread, his spine gains pride, and his brain ideas … He is firm, serene, gentle, peaceful, attentive, serious, satisfied with a little, and benevolent; and he blesses God for having given him two riches which rich men often want,—labor which makes him free, and thought that renders him worthy of being free.”


-- Les Miserables, Volume 3, Book V, Chapter III: Marius Grown Up

Not that I live in poverty, or ever have.  But, goodness, it seems impossible to get ahead in life.  How do you ever move beyond living from paycheck to paycheck?  And is there dignity in living from paycheck to paycheck?  Yes, I think there is, but it is also difficult not to get caught up in the limitations or boundaries of living within a budget.  It seems to be a universal struggle that transcends time and space, as Marius was just as deeply affected by the complication that money presents to moving on in life.  How can you make your dreams and hopes real if they just depend on money?

Thank goodness they don't.